Maddie and Jacob's story part 3...

My babies just coming out of NICU aged 5 weeks..the other photos are those of a little album I did for them in recognition of their struggle and fight for life and how pproud I am of them....

Hi again...you can find part 1 of their story here

You can find part 2 HERE...

When they arrive, they get the relevent information and hook him up onto some oxygen. They are amazingly calm. My sister stays with my other children, while I take the trip in the ambulance with Jacob. They work on him in the back, "bagging" him all the way. I sit in the front, turning to the back constantly asking them..."Is he alright?"




"He'll be OK love."




We arrive at the hospital 15 minutes later. So much happens. It's like watching ER, but it's happening to me and my baby. I've set myself into a kind of a limbo state. I guess I have detached my emotions from my body. Thats how I cope with situations I know I can't handle. Drs work on him. Nurses are everywhere. We are in the recuss room. I can't believe what's happening. It seems so dreamlike. The Drs try and put a canula in his tiny, delicate hand. I should be fine with this precedure...I nearly vomit. They tried C-Pap...it didn't work. The Dr says he will intubate him. Not knowing much about ventilators I didn't realise the significance of this action. I went along with everything they said...they were the doctors.

It took close to four hours to stabilise him so that he could be transferred to the children's hospital. Once he was stabilised I was told I could go up to him. I was scared. I didn't want to get emotional. I could not have coped if he.....


I walked up to him, such a little thing on such a huge bed. So much equipment surrounding him. I gently stroked his little arm with my finger...so softly and slowly. I sobbed. I sobbed because when he left hospital 3 weeks ago I promised him he would never be in pain again. Never hurt again. I broke my promise. I am so sorry little man.

The transport team arrived, and , after about an hour of organising, Jacob left for the children's hospital. My husband turned up with Maddie at some stage. I recall going to a "quiet " room and making a phonecall to him to meet me at the hospital right away. There was no helicopter available, and no room in the ambulance for passengers, so we had to make the long journey seperated from our baby, not knowing what was going to happen to him on the way...for all we knew he may not even make the journey...it was just horrible.

The trust that is required in situations like this is amazing. I am the type of person that has a panic attack if my children ever travel with someone else. So, to let my baby go by himself was a huge deal to me.

We arrived at the hospital 25 minutes later. We checked at the information desk to see if Jacob had arrived. He hadn't. I had images of my baby dead at the side of the freeway, due to equipment failure We decided to get Maddie checked out in the emergency room while we were there waiting for Jacob to arrive, as she was a little unwell. Her oxygen levels were down, so they decided to keep her in a ward overnight for observation.

In the emergency ward, we bumped into the doctor that transported him to the children's hospital. She said that the journey went well and that he is now up in ICU. I just hugged her from relief and thanks...she probably though I was a bit of a nut. That was the least of my worries. My husband went to help him settle into the ICU while I stayed with Maddie.I was so torn...with one critacally ill baby and another very sick one. I was an absolute mess.

Over the next week, a whirlwind of events were to turn our world upside down. Twenty four hours after Jacob crashed, Maddie followed. It was no surprise to me that they decided to put her on life support as well. She was struggling with every breath too. The intensivists, the ICU doctors, warned us that babies die from RSV bronchialitis, a virus that produces mucus in the lungs, too much sometimes, for tiny, premature lungs not properly developed. It was only as time went on that I truly believed them.


Thus endeth this part....you know it's nearly ten years ago, but as I read this, which I wrote maybe a year or two after it happened,  I recall every detail as though it was yesterday...the time has certainly flown...hope I'm not boring any of you with me story and if you have stayed this long, well I really appreciate it...this story is from my heart, and it was more therapy for me by writing it...I believe I still suffer a bit of post trauma stress from the whole incident...I remember the feelings so easily, as I read my story my heart races, I am bawling like a baby often,I vividly recall the spot on the ground, the moment I was allowed to go up to him after they'd worked on him , the whole kit and kaboodle,,,and I truly amaze myself that I was strong enough to make it through the whole event...yay me!!!!lol...
ok...well...I don'th ave many photos as the last thing I thought of doing was taking photos of them dying...I sort of regret it really, but my thought processes at the time were one track...coping with what was happening and that was my babies were slowly dying before my eyes...

until next time
lots of it
Mandy
xxx

Maddie and Jacob's story part 2

This is Jacob when he was in the nicu...the below photo is of Maddie...

The next couple of weeks went by in euphoria. My tiny babies were home. We had plenty of visitors. They all enjoyed wearing the babies like a brooch. They were so tiny, thats what they looked like.




Two weeks after the babies were home they needed to see their paediatrician for a routine check up. They were both still quite sleepy and needed to be woken for their feeds...but that was pretty normal for premmies. They also had a bit of a runny nose, but that was about it.



The paediatrician assured me that all was fine, and he laughingly added they would be in hospital with bronchialitis within a week.



I thought nothing of it, as they basically had the snuffles. A little cold. 6 days later I took Jacob to my locval doctor. His feeding was not great and he was quite lethargic. He diagnosed bronchialitis, and prescribed atrovent through a nebuliser. This was to help his lungs a bit. That thursday night he was still not feeding well, and he had turned quite pale.



He slept through the night. I thought it best he get a good rest to help him recover. I checked him at 8.30am. He was very pale and he had a blue tinge around his eyes, nose and mouth. Alarm bells should have been ringing, but I was told that premmie babies often turn a bluey tinge when they have wind. Around 9.30 he still hadn't woken, so I decided to wake him  and give him a feed.



He didn't want to feed. He didn't wake up properly. Did I imagine it...or did he just stop breathing??? No! Don't be stupid. You're being paranoid. I'll ring the Dr and see what he says. The Dr said he rang the paediatrician and he will see him next Friday. I tell the Dr I think my baby is going to die. He says go to the hospital. I ring my sister who lives a couple of minutes away, and ask her to come with me to the hospital, so she can sit beside him and shake him if he stops breathing. I give Jacob some ventolin in a nebuliser, I ask my sister to help as I gather Jacobs stuff to take to the hospital. " Mandy...I think he just stopped breathing" I drop his nappy bag and run to his side.I assure her, and myself, that he is breathing...but then I see it. The vapour is pouring out of the machine and not being inhaled. He HAS stopped breathing.



I panic, I have never called an ambulance before. I slightly shake him  and he starts breathing again. I feel stupid thinking to call an ambulance. What if i am overreacting....He stops again. He can't start breathing again..............



I call 000 and scraem into the phone..." My babys not breathing!!!"



They begin to tell me what to do. I have forgotten how to do CPR. I relay the directions to my sister who is still holding him.

Put hin on the floor.

Turn him on his side.

Is he breathing?

No!

I tell them no.

Do a little puff in his mouth.

Then I decide that if my baby is going to die, I will be the one who has trried to save him. I pass the phone to my sister.

Check his chest.

I lifterd his singlet.

Is his chest going up and down?

NO!

Blow in his mouth.

I do this. He takes a few breaths, though very shallow.

He stops again.

Blow in his mouth.

I am frantic. I don't know what to do. My baby...my baby is going to die. What will I do? How will I handle it? I'll go insane. My other children are home from school, sick with asthma. They are jumping on the lounge going crazy screaming..."Jacob's going to die! Jacob's going to die!" They don't get it...they are too little.

Is he breathing?

NO!

Do it again.

I blow in his moth. I know if i do it too hard I could harm him...even burst his lungs. If I do it too softly, it could have no effect at all. He starts to take a couple of breaths. My sister hangs up the phone. They obviously think everything is ok. Its not. They assure her the ambulance will arrive soon.



I continue to give Jacob mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrives. It felt like a life time, and I was so relieved to hear the sirens. I will never forget the spot on the floor where he lay as I tried to keep my dear little boy alive. I often look at the spot and shake my head in disbelief.

This is so emotional for me to be honest...I still tear up thinking about all that happened those few months of our lives...
Stay tuned for the next part of Jacob and Maddie's story tomorrow...

Thanks for reading...until next time.

stay safe and give your little ones lots of hugs

Mandy

xxx

Jacob and Maddie's Story...Part 1

Many of you know my little guy Jacob and how he suffers from a life threatening illness...some of you may know about Maddie...I feature her in many scrappy pages, she suffers from deafness...Here are Jacob and Maddie, they were born 10 weeks early, Maddie weighed 3lb 8oz and Jacob weighed 4lb 3 oz...They were tiny as I usually had big, healthy babies.....I was very upset and found the NICU quite scary, but soon got used to it....

I will now begin the story....


Precious Miracles


Jacob and Maddie are lying on their beautifully patchworked Noah's Ark quilt, with it's rich creams, reds, blues , yellows and greens. It pillows around their bodies, their matching pink and blue teddies, and their lime-washed cot that they share. A vast contrast to the harsh metals, plastic and sterile whites that surrounded them only months ago.

Jacob and Maddie were born on the 4th May, 2001, weighing only 4lb 3oz and 3lb 8oz. They were born ten weeks early. That in itself was a difficult time to live through. You have an expectation of how your baby, or babies, should look, and the motions you should go through when they are born. When something unplanned happens, and you need to deliver your babies early, the confusion and subsequent loss that you feel is overwhelming. The loss of ther ime in the womb. The loss of "normal sized" babies. The loss of the labour and birth. The loss of that perfect time in your life that you have been looking forward to since discovering the pregnancy.

My babies are usually big, beefy, bouncy babies. Not thin, scrawny, tiny things that resemble skinned rabbits. They didn't feel like they were mine. It was like they belonged to the hospital. Immediately after the birth, they were rushed to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). It was days before I actually got to hold my babies.

When I first saw them in the Unit, after they had been taken away from me, I was in shock. They were surrounded by tubes, monitors and machines, all of which my husband and I grew to rely on for the survival of our twins, but which seemed so scary and forieng at the time.

Alarms constantly going off became routine. You eventually got to know each sound, and knew when you needed to worry, or when you needed to tickle their feet to remind them to breathe. Oxygen saturation levels (sats), bradicardiacs, apneas, C-pap, long lines, canulas and catheters all became part of our language...part of our lives.

I didn't want to leave the post-natal ward of the hospital. A type of grief was lingering because I knew I would have to leave my babies behind. If you speak to any woman who has had a child, she will tell you that one of her most euphoric times is when her newborn baby is lying beside her in its crib, and she is adoringly lookin at it in wonderment and overwhelming love. Or, when she is wheeling her newborn through the doors of the hospital and on her way home.

I was to have none of that. I was sore from the caesar. I made my husband take the celebratory flowers, cards and gifts home a day prior, as there was no way I was walking out of the hospital with them, and no babies.

I did leave. I actually made it to the car with out crying. Once in the car I sobbed...for 4 hours. My husband stopped in the chemist on the way home to get a breastpump and other sterilising equipment. I couldn't do much for my babies, and I felt so guilty because of that. But the one thing I could do was supply my babies with the goodness of breastmilk.

This took a huge effort on my part, having to express for twins meant being at the breastpump every two to three hours ( feeling like a cow), for about half an hour. Then I would pour it into a small plastic container, then time and date the sometimes pitiful amount, add my name with 2 smiling faces, and place it into the fridge. Then twice a day would take the "preciuos cargo" , in its winnie the pooh wetpack, to the hospital and place it in the NICU fridge.

To keep this supply was extremely difficult, with so many stresses, and with them not being with me, but I persisted. They hardly ever needed a supplimentary feed of formula. Something I am quite proud of now.

The weeks went by, and my husband and I began to care more and more for the twins. Doing their cares was a routine that occured every 4 hours., an hour apart, to allow time for their feeding.

You would methodically get a wad of cotton wool and wet it with warm water from the tap, set that beside their crib, with sterile cotton wool buds soaked in sterile water, cotton balls soaked in saline and a nappy. You would start at the top of the baby, wiping their eyes with the balls, from the inside out. You would then clean their mouth, tongue and gums with the cotton bud, refesh their bottom with the cotton wool and put on their new nappy. Finally, you would change the site of their sats probe, as the bandage that held the probe in place would dig into their delicate skin( it was paper thin), and sometimes give incorrect readings. I always gave the old site a little massage, as i would have like someone do that for me. My babies were tiny. It didn't mean they felt no pain.

Handwashing became a necessity that you would perform like someone who had repetitive compulsive disorder. Cross infection was something you wanted to avoid. I washed my hands so often, that after a week, I developed dermatitis, which became infected...I still have brown scarring.

Maddie and Jacob became less and less dependent on oxygen, and the various drugs that helped them breath, digest their food, and keep their hearts beating. They made the progression from BAY 1, where the sickest babies go, to BAY 4, which is where the babies go to finish their growing and master feeding.

Before I knew it, there was mention of the twins going home. At this time I was warned not to take them to public places, and to make sure people washed their hands before handling them, for fear of germs and illness.fter a much hurried preparation on the eve of their departure from hospital, everything was ready. It seemed surreal at the time, as 5 full weeks had passed. It didn't seem like I had given birth to these babies, even though I was still sore from the caesar, let alone actually getting to take them home.

It was Friday morning when my daughter, Jess, and I walked the double pram throughthe doors of the hospital. I nestled the babies into their pram Seeing such a normal piece of equipment like a pram near them made me realise how tiny they really were. They looked like dolls lost in a giant pram.

I began to cry. From realisation. From grief. From fear. For the loss of the machines that told me my babies were ok. For the loss of the nurses who answered my every question and helped my babies finish their growth and development they needed outside the womb. For all the mums and dads that lost their little ones while we were in there. The NUM gave me a comforting hug. I cried even more.

I had made friendships with other mums of premmie babies. Those type of "situation" frindships you form throughout your life. I assume most people get over them. But, I find it emotional to get over them.

I cried because I would never see the obstetrician that saved my babies' lives...and my own. Nor the neonatalists, who kept my babies alive those few crucial weeks. I just wanted to hug them all and tell them how much I truly appreciated everything they did. I will for the rest of my life.

So. I cried for everything. For the loss of that particular part of my life that was over. Don't get me wrong. I was over the moon my babies were doing ok and that we could all have some sort of normal life together as a family. It was just the end of a part of my life. I'm hopeless with endings....that's all!!!

This is enough for now ...I will continue the story tomorrow....

Until then, take care

Mandy

xxx

Kraft it up and a thankyou...

Hi there...this is my kraft it up entry for this month...I haven't really scrapped for a while, s a huge thankyou goes out to NICOLE AUSTIN...she sent me this amazing rainbow packets full of wonderful art and scrappy stuff...this really inspired me...thanks Nicole..
I love my beautiful mum...she suffers from alzhiemers...its not much fun for her at all, so I wanted to do a lovely page of her and I together...i just threw all this blue stuff together...even used a kaisercraft bit of packaging from the flowers I used on this page...
Until next time
lots of it
Mandy
xxx

Time Out

My little guy is sick which means I have my hands full with caring for him, my heart filled with sadness because he has to go through the fear, and my brain is on "so full of information I can't cope mode"
so please forgive me for not reading your blogs, or posting on mine...just until he gets better..
until next time
lots of it
Mandy
xxx

A little birdie told me its my besties birthday...

 I have a friend...her name is Karla...she is an amazing friend to have...everybody needs a friend like her...she is my rock...we try and catch up once a week, sometimes its tricky because we have very crazy lives...she has a little guy with special needs, just as we do....so, we understand that sometimes it's tough...our coffee gettogethers are the BEST!!!!!! We always laugh so hard we cry and then sometimes we just cry...we vent to each other...we love love love quiches and greek salad, and that is what i am making her for lunch tomorrow when she comes over....I also have some gifts to give her....

I made her this, I look at these little birdies and smile...they are bright

and colourful and so quick and easy to do....its on a thick canvas, I made the sides the blue with the writing stamp around it...

I made these little boxes...they were just cheap little brown boxes that i prettied up with co ordinating paints, kaisercraft writing stamp...
my new fav...and my little birdies on the top with the words, hope, joy and peace...hope being her word and peace being mine...lol...

top view with ribbon blocking it...lol...
also, I got her a little book of quotes of hope...she will like this!!!!
finally I got her a pandora bracelet......you know the ones you put the little charms on...so cute.....

until next time
lots of it
Mandy
xxx

Blackbird singing in the dead of night...

So, here is a little painting I did....one of the little birdie paintings...they are quick and fun to do...

blackbird singing in the dead of night

I did this in my moleskine journal..its a4 sized, using water suluable crayons again....

I hav always been a beatles fan...the very first album I bought as a teen with my very own money was a beatles album...believe me, back when I was a teen the beatles were not very cool at all!!!!

but i have always loved them, along with so much other music, and always will....

If anyone wants to be in my pay it forward, just visit ny last entry,GO HERE,

I promise it will be nice, I have only 2 people joined up...please join in the gift ofgiving, it makes you feel so good...

until next time...

lots of it

mandy

xxx