You can find part 2 HERE...
"He'll be OK love."
We arrive at the hospital 15 minutes later. So much happens. It's like watching ER, but it's happening to me and my baby. I've set myself into a kind of a limbo state. I guess I have detached my emotions from my body. Thats how I cope with situations I know I can't handle. Drs work on him. Nurses are everywhere. We are in the recuss room. I can't believe what's happening. It seems so dreamlike. The Drs try and put a canula in his tiny, delicate hand. I should be fine with this precedure...I nearly vomit. They tried C-Pap...it didn't work. The Dr says he will intubate him. Not knowing much about ventilators I didn't realise the significance of this action. I went along with everything they said...they were the doctors.
It took close to four hours to stabilise him so that he could be transferred to the children's hospital. Once he was stabilised I was told I could go up to him. I was scared. I didn't want to get emotional. I could not have coped if he.....
I walked up to him, such a little thing on such a huge bed. So much equipment surrounding him. I gently stroked his little arm with my finger...so softly and slowly. I sobbed. I sobbed because when he left hospital 3 weeks ago I promised him he would never be in pain again. Never hurt again. I broke my promise. I am so sorry little man.
The transport team arrived, and , after about an hour of organising, Jacob left for the children's hospital. My husband turned up with Maddie at some stage. I recall going to a "quiet " room and making a phonecall to him to meet me at the hospital right away. There was no helicopter available, and no room in the ambulance for passengers, so we had to make the long journey seperated from our baby, not knowing what was going to happen to him on the way...for all we knew he may not even make the journey...it was just horrible.
The trust that is required in situations like this is amazing. I am the type of person that has a panic attack if my children ever travel with someone else. So, to let my baby go by himself was a huge deal to me.
We arrived at the hospital 25 minutes later. We checked at the information desk to see if Jacob had arrived. He hadn't. I had images of my baby dead at the side of the freeway, due to equipment failure We decided to get Maddie checked out in the emergency room while we were there waiting for Jacob to arrive, as she was a little unwell. Her oxygen levels were down, so they decided to keep her in a ward overnight for observation.
In the emergency ward, we bumped into the doctor that transported him to the children's hospital. She said that the journey went well and that he is now up in ICU. I just hugged her from relief and thanks...she probably though I was a bit of a nut. That was the least of my worries. My husband went to help him settle into the ICU while I stayed with Maddie.I was so torn...with one critacally ill baby and another very sick one. I was an absolute mess.
Over the next week, a whirlwind of events were to turn our world upside down. Twenty four hours after Jacob crashed, Maddie followed. It was no surprise to me that they decided to put her on life support as well. She was struggling with every breath too. The intensivists, the ICU doctors, warned us that babies die from RSV bronchialitis, a virus that produces mucus in the lungs, too much sometimes, for tiny, premature lungs not properly developed. It was only as time went on that I truly believed them.
Thus endeth this part....you know it's nearly ten years ago, but as I read this, which I wrote maybe a year or two after it happened, I recall every detail as though it was yesterday...the time has certainly flown...hope I'm not boring any of you with me story and if you have stayed this long, well I really appreciate it...this story is from my heart, and it was more therapy for me by writing it...I believe I still suffer a bit of post trauma stress from the whole incident...I remember the feelings so easily, as I read my story my heart races, I am bawling like a baby often,I vividly recall the spot on the ground, the moment I was allowed to go up to him after they'd worked on him , the whole kit and kaboodle,,,and I truly amaze myself that I was strong enough to make it through the whole event...yay me!!!!lol...
ok...well...I don'th ave many photos as the last thing I thought of doing was taking photos of them dying...I sort of regret it really, but my thought processes at the time were one track...coping with what was happening and that was my babies were slowly dying before my eyes...
until next time
lots of it